but this is what depression looks like. These are raw pictures.
I am not famous. I am not rich. In fact, I am living hand-to-mouth and struggling everyday, but when I go to work, I put on the faces you see in the top three pictures. I smile, laugh, and make jokes. I do my best to make others feel good and smile, and inside I fight crying, curling up under my covers, and telling the world to piss-off. I cry on the way home most every time I work so my husband doesn’t have to see, but he knows as soon as I walk up I have been crying again. I rage, rant, and shake my fist at no one in particular in the car. No, I don’t blame God for my depression. I ask him with tear-filled eyes to take this feeling away. I hate being like this.
On good days, I smile, genuinely smile. I can light a room and crack jokes and laugh with the best of them. I jot down things to do and goals to accomplish. I am gung ho, and ready to take on anything. Nothing can stop me. “Watch out world! Here I come.”
Then there are those days where I look at the list of tasks and each of them feels like a fifty pound weight and everything seems too damn hard to manage. I have no energy and all I want is to be left alone. These days are closer together than ever. There used to be days I would look at myself in the mirror and think the world would be so much better without me. Some may think it’s a cowards way out, but when I was younger, I just wanted the pain to stop. This is why I didn’t disparage Robin Williams, and why I don’t think it’s a coward’s way out. I know that pain and suffering, and sometimes you just want it to stop, permanently.
This is the face of depression, and I am not afraid to show it. I am not afraid to say I suffer from it, and I am not afraid to bring light to it.
This is my life.